Sherlock the teacup
by EndlessMidnightSky
Summary: In which Sherlock is a teacup, John is a saucer and I completely ruin everyone's ability to make a cup of tea without laughing. Crack. But crack that makes sense in a weird way.


**This is complete insanity that stemmed from my friend saying that Moriarty was like a teapot in that he could get hot and angry very quickly. We both laughed for ages, and out of it all, came this whole, ridiculous analogy which, to be honest, we're rather proud of.  
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**And no, we weren't high or drunk when we came up with it. This is just what we do :D**

**Rated T because if you read it in a certain way... It's dirty.**

******Warning: Ruins your ability to see tea the same way ever again!**

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Sherlock is a teacup. He's a dark blue colour with a black stripe around the top and a lighter blue one just above the midline. He sits slightly apart from all the other, white and patterned mugs in the cupboard and to be honest, it gets a bit boring in there. He just sits around, waiting for something to happen and feeling somewhat incomplete until the cupboard is opened and he's taken out to be useful. After all, everyone knows that a teacup is at its best when it is sitting on a saucer and holding a nice cuppa.

No saucer really looked right for Sherlock until they found John. They were all to plain or too fancy or the colours didn't match, but John, although quite simple, just fit straight away. A lighter blue than Sherlock that has a grey tinge in certain lighting and a small chip out of the edge where he was dropped some time ago. His sister, Harriet, who's surface is stained and who has been broken and had to be glued back together again nags him, but he mostly just tunes her out. It doesn't matter what she thinks, he's a fine piece of crockery.

Sometimes, he's used to serve biscuits like Sarah and Jeanette, but they only last so long whereas Sherlock, he always keeps coming back to. They look better when they're together, Sherlock sat proudly on the dent in John's centre that fits the cup's base perfectly. John's a great support and is able to make Sherlock better than when he was on his own to the point where no other cup or saucer will do for them.

But, of course, what's the point of a teacup and saucer if there' no tea to go into it?

Lestrade is a very good set of teabags. He adds a good flavour to every cup of tea, unlike some of the other teabags that have been tried such as Donovan, Anderson and Dimmock. Lestrade doesn't have to be there for all of it; just the beginning to help get everything together and to start off the whole process and once he's taken out, he's usually left on John. The two of them get on rather well and quite happily chat together, especially when Sherlock is lifted off John for a sip. Of course, John's primary concern is to support Sherlock, especially when he was put down at an awkward angle, but all in all, it's a good system. Sherlock enjoys seeing Lestrade as it means a good cup of tea is going to be made and he can be useful again.

Now, Sherlock and John supporting each other and Lestrade adding flavour are all well and good, but without the water for the tea, they can't do all that much.

Jim Moriarty isn't always hot. In fact, he starts off quite cool and calm (although far from normal) but is soon excited by the happenings around him. He takes pleasure at being able to move with more freedom than the others who are stationary unless moved. It's less constrained. Moriarty's unpredictable, never stays still and can get absolutely everywhere even when you're being careful. Get him when he's cool and bored; nothing much happens. Get him when he's hot, angry or riled up and he'll burn you.

There are many ways to get Moriarty heated up, but the best and most efficient way is to pour him into Sebastian Moran, the kettle, and turn him on. That heats Jim up pretty damn fast. Unfortunately, it also heats Moran up as well and the two of them scream rather loudly when they're done. This screaming will continue until you turn Sebastian off and only then will they calm down.

Be careful when transferring Jim from Sebby to Sherlock as either of them could burn you is you're not careful. They're tricky that way.

Sherlock's normally rather cold, even after you first put Lestrade in. But once Moriarty's added to the mix, he quickly warms up. He doesn't crack at the heat Moriarty gives out, holding firm and thankful for John's support below him.

Now, it would be perfectly acceptable to leave the cup of tea like this, and indeed many people do. However, sometimes the whole mix can be a bit too bitter. That's where the sugar, Molly comes in. She helps sweeten things and is even able to make Moriarty a little less strong. Sometimes more of Molly is needed, sometimes less and sometimes none at all. But she's always there, ready to be added if need be.

The other option to add is Mycroft, but the milk is, on average, less widely used than Molly. You've got to be careful with Mycroft. Too much, and you'll make everything overflow. Also, he has a nasty habit of going sour when you least expect it and it's impossible to tell just by looking at him. It's only when you get up close and either smell or taste him that you can identify whether he's good or not.

Moriarty rather gleefully mixes with Mycroft when he's added as he knows how much it annoys Sherlock, especially since there's nothing the cup can do about it. If Mycroft's poured in, there's no way of separating him and getting him out until you drink the whole thing.

If you really want to finish everything off, then you can stir the water, milk and sugar with Irene, a teaspoon. She just gets into everything and mixes it all up, making it harder for Sherlock to identify each of the substances he's holding. She constantly insists that Sherlock should get with her just because they're both "tea-something", but Sherlock points out that Lestrade is also a "tea-something" and anyway, he's more stable with John. Irene clicking against his sides when she's stirring really annoys him.

Once the tea is drunk, everything is put away and Sherlock and John are normally left on the counter with the last few dregs still in Sherlock while they cool down from the excitement. Eventually, someone will gather them up and then the dishwasher, Mrs Hudson will help wash them down and get them settled back into the cupboard where they will stay and talk until the next time someone wants a cup of tea.

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**So now that I have completely ruined teatime for you, I hope you all enjoyed that!**

**~EndlessMidnightSky~**


End file.
